an open letter to the trout of Jackson County, NC
Little Squirming Writhing Buddies,
I hope this letter finds you well. It has been far too long since our last communiqué. Things have taken a turn for the worse here on the farm. Ma was struck down by the typhoid fever last March, God rest her soul. If only there had been more protein in her diet. And omega-three fatty acids (nudge, nudge, wink, wink).
But I realize you can't read so I'll make this brief.
Look, I appreciate everything you do for me. How you compel me to drive two hours on dirt roads in my '96 Honda Accord with the rattly muffler. How you compel me to hike four miles with wading boots in my pack in the wan light of a July night, my nostrils perniciously pricked pungent by Galax and horse shit. Every dark shape in the woods a bear. Every bear...a predaceous bear. How you compel me to negotiate Little Canada locals as they show me their hunting knives. On the side of the road. Drinking Miller Lite. At night.
I appreciate these various compellings little buddies. Honestly I do.
The thang I'm 'a writin'bout here'n'now is the fact that ya'll won't set still long enough for me to get a good picture image of your colorful fusiform selves. You wriggle and worm your slimy tiny bodies slick from my grasp. I try to hold you tight, but I don't want to crush none'a'yer vitals [EDITOR's NOTE: try reading the previous line like John Stewart impersonating George W. Bush]. I'm not gonna eat ya'll little buddies. That thing about omega-three fatty acids was just a joke.
So I'm'a'jus'a'askin' that ya'll hold still next time.
Give the tangerine darters my love. I was always quite fond of them.
Very best,
Matthew Dunne. 
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6 comments:
A+ Big Daddy. You know what you're doing here, really finding your voice. Don't listen to those homos who tell you that you sound insane. They're jealous of your beautiful appendage.
Maurice Miller
Mr. Dunne, I received this letter in the mail today with the instructions to transcribe it onto your website:
Dear big brained furry landlubberly fisherperson,
Sorry to hear about your mother. That really is a shame. Typhoid’s a bugger.
It’s true we can’t read so thanks for sticking to the point—brevity is truly the soul of wit and whatnot. We can however write (our punctuation’s rather sporadic though) so here it goes: we appreciate your attention, we really do, but it’s got to stop. Ever since Big Jake got reeled in and had a photo spread featured in North Carolina Sportsman magazine (Vol. 13 No. 3 March 22, 2006) we’ve been inundated with Osteichthyes-obsessed paparazzi. You’ve got to understand that hours of photo-ops out of water take it out of us. We get nervous; we get feisty. We flip out. Sorry. Your efforts and sacrifices have not gone unnoticed and will one day be repaid in full. Until then, take care.
The Trout of Jackson County,
North Carolina
PS: And Watch out for those predaceous terrestrial beasts.
It seems as if the weirdness of the comments maps on pretty well to the weirdness of the posts.
Good stuff.
Candide, what kind of stamp did they use? And the fact that they have chosen a French person as their interlocutor has me a little worried. Particularly the brook trout. They are supposed to be patriots goddammit. Brown trout I can understand. They're from Britain and Germany. Wait a second...
And Maurice Miller? Dude, that is a stretch. It took me a while. Who was that other young lad? Pig? Hog? What did they call him? Oh yeah...Pork. Ahhhh B. Reed Henderson High School: kind of molding young minds, kind of scaring the crap out of white suburban kids.
The militant wing of the Trout Liberation Front demands that you cease all fishing operations in the creeks of North Carolina and recognize their right to a separate and independent state. Your man handling of female trout and constant chicanery, that is to say throwing delicious looking bugs our way that in fact are not insects, but simply a clever way of hiding a hook, must stop. We will attack a fly fishing outfitting store if your attacks against us do not end, post haste.
Gurgles the Slime Eyed Fish
Communications Director for the Military Wing of the Trout Liberation Front (The TLF is not to be confused with the Titty Liberation Front, also a fine and just organization.)
I had no idea that trout were so well organized.
I love your blog, and the pics are great. There is, however, one small spelling error: the grammatical contraction of 'you all' is y'all, not ya'll. Keep up the good work.
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