A cross roads (a friendly email from MB Pell)

"It's a dark time and I feel just swarthy enough to handle it," -- Ahmed, First Eunuch of Sultan Mehmet III, seconds before he decapitated the Ottoman potentate, who was chin deep in the cunt of a 325-pound Bulgarian woman.

Perhaps in retrospect I should have said pussy? Ahh...no matter.
Look, I'm wasted at work right now so I only have so much time to spit this e-mail out before I crack under the pressure and start spewing out nonsense to those who employ me. And for those of you who work with me, by wasted I mean tired, but for those of you who don't work with me I mean stoned as Bajesus.

We have several key topics to hit.

First off, the Eagles are reeling like the Rebel forces after the Hoth disaster. I feel pursued and betrayed. Pursued by ruthless Cowboys, Redskins, and Giants that have been held down in the cellar far too long and are rising up with a horrible furry. And betrayed by Terrel Owens/Anikin Skywalker. Sure he has mad skills, but he's been corrupted by the Emperor/Drew Rosenfucker and must now have his legs and good arm chopped off on a distant mining colony, wheree his then left for dead.
I believe the Birds will turn it around, but I really have no evidence supporting that theory. I feel like a creationist. For those of you with creationist beliefs, well, I guess I don't really have to worry about offending you because you're going to heaven and I'm going to hell and you're probably illiterate so you can't read this anyway. Baaaa-zing!!!!!!

Hey but at least Penn State is kicking ass, which just fills me to the brim with joy...and ahhh...I just can't do it. It's college football!!!! The NCAA can't even crown a winner at the end of the season. The bastards ignore one of the most basic elements of sports.

But let's get to one of my best lifted comedy routines of all time.

WHO's HOT?
6.) Adam Ziegler, for helping me clean up a large mess that included pig bones, fat and skin.
5.) Bryan Hoffman, for not only attending the Harvest Party, but for making a credible effort at proving he's not gay by bringing a girl with him.
4.) Bobby Ferringo, for talking with me a couple of times recently and not throwing the Eagles' 4-4 record in my face.
3.) Owen Lewis, for agreeing to let Adam Ziegler win a poker game for the second year in a row at the Harvest Party.
2.) R Kelly, for not getting blood on the new carpet after a dissenting member of the Irish Death Watch Guard knocked him on his ass.
1.) Kevin Kelly, for knocking R on his ass and then driving him to the emergency room at 6 a.m. I was willing to let him bleed for a while, drain him of a little energy and if he was still alive at noon, then take him to the hospital. Yeah, it was a chance I was willing to take.

WHO'S NOT?
5.) Bryan Hoffman for dating an Amazon who beat him up and made him sleep in a dumpster.
4.) Matt Dunn for fighting federal funding for my interstate poking stick. It's a tourist attraction and you know it!!!
3.) Eda, for lending credence to the lie that Hoff is not gay.
2.) Ben Verde, for having such a small dog.
1.) Corey Fram, for getting drunk, smashing up my glassware and then ruining a perfectly good 4 a.m. shit by waking up in my bathroom and groaning about the stink.

I'm starting to sober up here, so see ya all soon.
And remember we all got drunk, but only one of us left with staples in our head.
Pell
Keeper of the Seven Stink Knuckles
Denizen of Earth, but only in the British sense
And Keeper of the Secret Name, Los Papas Fritas